Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Good the Bad and the Ugly

It is NEGATIVE NINE degrees outside this morning. I don't know how I am going to manage to get myself out of my cozy pajamas and into the shower and dressed for work on time. The temperature is too much of a deterrent for my level of work motivation. Speaking of which.
I had a meeting with the boss man on Monday. I had been looking for him for a few days and when I threatened through work e-mail that I was about to start stalking him he magically appearred at my classroom door.
We sat down in the student desks. Because when you are going to talk to your boss, do you really sit at your own BIG desk? It felt uncomfortable to me. I wanted to be on a level playing field. And while I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to say, I did want to talk to him about some changes I was seeking for next year. Imagine my very own surprise when the whole conversation took a very unexpected turn and I heard myself saying, " I am burnt out, I don't want to be down here anymore.". Down Here meaning in the basement of the school, teaching the ED students in a self-contained classroom.
Unexpectedly, he said, "Oh, just that? I thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant too or something awful like that. "
Silence. Ummm... while we are on that subject! I ended also letting that cat out of the bag. Wow. Not a good day for the boss man. And while I wasn't intending on letting him in on my little secret so soon, I didn't see a way to avoid it. "Plus!", I said, "If we need to pull the ole prego card, it would be terrible for the ED students to start the scool year with a sub next Fall.. just saying!".
With my big fat confessional of both my desire to change positions within the school, as well the fact that I am not just getting fat but am with child, I felt liberated to say the least. I felt slightly high all day. By nightfall, however, I began to feel vulnerable. And as a result, because I am completely weird, hormonal, and emotionally maladjusted, I became angry and defenseive to my coworkers on Tuesday and Wednesday. Feeling slightly as if I am failing them, or guilty to be selfish with what I want, or even embarrassed that I am burnt out.
Last night I woke at midnight, my thoughts a swirling jumble of me saying and acting defensively. Snippets of rude comments, jabs, and oh yes, the complete bitching out of the guy I co-teach with for something ultimately that was completely not his fault. Thanks to God for HGTV, the only channel that will play half-hour after half-hour of completely interesting yet dull enough TV shows at one in the morning to lull me back to sleep.
And today, I have a new attitude. I intend on lying low, and apologizing profusely to those I may have offended. I MAY even bring in the school teacher's well-loved peace offering... bagels and cream cheese. This ought to start things right again.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Never feel guilty about doing what is best and necessary for yourself and your well-being. You are not your best YOU if your are burned out and you know you are in a "burn out" field. You have a husband and soon-to-be family to fous on and they also deserve the best of you. Priorities and focus change. Step back, look at the big picture and go on "guilt free". It would probably be good to good with the bagels and cream cheese...apologies for sure. I'll bet you will find them understanding and supportive. Mom

Anonymous said...

Never feel guilty about doing what is best and necessary for yourself and your well-being. You are not your best YOU if your are burned out and you know you are in a "burn out" field. You have a husband and soon-to-be family to fous on and they also deserve the best of you. Priorities and focus change. Step back, look at the big picture and go on "guilt free". It would probably be good to good with the bagels and cream cheese...apologies for sure. I'll bet you will find them understanding and supportive. Mom

Anonymous said...

Oops..I must have hit the send button twice. Sorry about that.

Jen W said...

And you can always blame your bitchiness on your pregnancy. So you've got that going for you...which is nice.