One Year Later...

When I first had the miscarriage, I allowed myself the precaution of setting up milestones. For example, I told myself that it was totally okay if I felt sad at Thanksgiving ( which I must have because I don't remember it ). I told myself it was okay to be sad on the due date. Which I wasn't really. I told myself it was alright if I felt sorrow when hearing the news of all of the babies being born that were in utero at the same time as mine. Which I sometimes was- depending on my womanly cycle, of course, which would exaggerate the sadness.

And now, I sometimes feel sad for no reason in particular, other than that I just do.

I have given up trying to control or understand all of that.

What I didn't expect was the onslaught of emotion I have begun to feel a year later.

It has struck me like a bolt of lightning.

I feel thick.

And in hindsight I realize that the one year anniversary of the death of someone we care about is hard. And while I may not have ever carried the little one in my arms, I carried them in my heart. And for whatever it's worth, I gave it my everything.

A while back I thought the sadness came from a selfish feeling of failure. Or maybe even more selfishly because I couldn't get what I wanted.

But I am realizing now that it is more simple. It's Mother love.

I am sure it grows stronger as our children age. Goes without saying can wax and wane through puberty. But overall, strong, unbridled, consistent. Unconditional.

And I felt that.

I feel like I lost my child.

It's annoying because I don't want to continue to deal with this. I want things to go back. But I feel like even though I have never had to wake up in the night to feed him or spend my last sixty bucks on diapers while eating macaroni that on some level I get it. I am wiser for it. I feel older from it. I am softer because of it and for that we can all be thankful.

And while it might be easier to move on from it if I "tried" again, we might not. So this may have been my closest shot at motherhood. And I don't want to forget the beauty in that.

I was thinking to do something to commemorate the experience. Not to dwell but something I can seek when I need to. I just have no idea what.

One lady sells pillows? Not really my thing.

I could get a necklace, but I have the feeling that it would get lost among all the others.

I would plant a tree, but we live in a condo.

I don't know, but I think it would help.