Another Little Piece of My Ass

Not every day deserves an "A". But when I heard my co-workers were throwing me the obligatory lunch since we-missed-your birthday-in-August-and-we-still-like-you kind of a deal, I played along.

And when I pranced out of the condo this morning I looked in the dining room's floor to ceiling mirrors ( perfect for 80's dance party) and gave a self-assured, " Uh... Adorable". And believe me when I say I RARELY compliment myself. Really. But it was a demin skirt and a complicated pink top and "nude" buckle-ey type shoes and I thought... okay... Fashion- "DO". Becuase I tried and it was like my birthday, only professionally... at work. And to me it worked. Oh yeah baby, it "worked" alright.

So who would be surpised when things when disasterously wrong?

As I walked across 25th Ave. to get from the parking lot to the school, rainy as it was, arms loaded as they were, coffee hot as I like it, I didn't expect the BUS to side swipe the CAR RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME and to CARRY ON as in HIT AND RUN. So when I paused in horror in the middle of the busy road and was shockingly screaming, " The bus hit the car...The bus hit the car,.... did you SEE the bus hit the car?... and my co-worker said, "Uh, get out of the road!"and then a little later, "I hate to be "that person" but do you really want to stand out here in the rain and wait for the cops?" and I said, "But the bus HIT the car!!" and she said... "I'm going inside Rain Man. Let me know what happens." And I said, " You are SUCH a BITCH!" but eventually followed her in. But by now I was drenched.

And I called the po-po from the safe confines of my room.

And then, a few hours later when I was walking my special ed class out of the library, my adorable "skirt" got caught in the turnstyle. Yep. The turnstyle.. . Flash city. Whale tail. THERE WERE no less than FIVE 16-18 year old boys behind me- and if they didn't puke they masturbated and nomatter what they told thier friends. And if you read my blog regularly, you will know that my ass is ALL over You- tube by now( 38 new cameras ) . Did I TELL you about the new cameras? I got so paranoid about sexual harassement I "popped" by the dean's office to "let them know"....

So when I carefully sat my fat and over-exposed ass in the joint Special Education/English faculty "office" to get my birthday pizza ( my LUNCH is at 10:45- SERIOUSLY!! ), I was slightly jaded. Thankfully, I still, for SOME reason ( perhaps beucase I hadn't seen a mirror in HOURS), was able to walk tall.

And within minutes THREE people came in from the English department ( SO not my crowd) and took pizza without asking out of the boxes and one girl was particularly disturbing as she BENT OVER AND SNIFFED the BOXES....and I thought...WTF is the DOing to the pizza? And she asked ( after spotting the Happy Birthday Lori" sign)"Who is Lori?" Chomp chomp. And I hollered, "That would be ME!" Only normally I would have retorted, "And I never said you could have my pizza!" (and then fake laughed JUST KIDDING! ) but the ass-exposure just completely had me off my game.

And when I came home and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror I could not believe I had ever thought I looked adorable. It was nowhere near that. And when I did a reenactment of the ass flash I did NOT like what I saw. I am so not taking my students to the library anymore.