This Forward Sucks

I like forwards when they are good. I like them when I am thoughtfully chosen as the recipient. I like the ones that make me laugh because it's your kid's picture of them holding a tennis racket and it looks like he's holding a gigantic penis. To his mouth.
But I don't like the ones that are stupid.
So I am writing a letter.
Dear forwarder,
Please send me forwards that follow the following criteria or I will black ball you from my " I might open your forwards list".
1. If it's about the knifer under my car in the mall parking lot? Please don't send it to me.
2. If it's about your political conviction to write a letter to senator dumbledorf? Dont' want it.
3. If you are asking me to change ONE letter in the word? DELETE.
4. If it's sketchy and you have to "preface it" with a "not-sure" please begin to use snopes.com.
5. If it's pets doing cute shit? NO INTEREST.
6. I don't like e-cards. They take too long to say Happy Birthday. An e-mail will suffice.
7. Jokes are usually not funny. Unless it's funny, I probably won't laugh. If YOU didn't laugh, I will for sure NOT laugh. Send it to your uncle you never speak to in person.
8. I would never sign my name on a list for a petition.
9. Appleby's is not free. You are wasting your time. I don't eat that crap anyway.
Now that that is clear, let's focus on what I will open with child-like claps!
1. Please send me groupings of pictures that are remiscent of my childhood. I was raised in the 70's but I like the 80's stuff, too.
2. I like things that make me cry from sentiment. ( shutup... )
3. Lists where you ask me what is under my bed and what the farthest place on the planet I have ever been to is. Because I love love LOVE to talk about myself. And I like to read your stuff too.
4. Christian stuff that reminds to be thankful and to not talk shit about my students.
5. Stuff that reminds you of me.. like maps, and current events that I care about, and stuff about where I am from... ( You know you are from Small Town because... )
6. Puns. Because I like to be impressed with someone else's creativity.
7. Big and small stuff. Like the largest man or the smallest house.
8.. GOOD jokes.

Now that we have that all cleared up! I feel much better. I look forward to getting only the best forwards from you from here on out.
Thanks and have a great day.
Lori